Noner Says

Kids, Coffee, Crafts, and Chaos

A Candid Look at my Mental State

Let Me Be Candid

I keep trying to write a blog post, and keep not posting anything except for book reviews, because my life is falling apart around me.  Let me take a moment and let you know what is going on.  Let me be candid with you.

I am failing in every aspect of my life.

This morning I got up, and for breakfast I thawed out an ate a pack of meat that should have served me for 4 different meals.

I hated myself even as I did it because I knew exactly why I was doing it.  I wanted to feel good.  I wanted to feel enjoyment.  I wanted to be….damn it….HAPPY for a little while.

Food makes me happy, at the same time it makes me hate myself even more.

Depression

I’m depressed right now.  This is nothing new.  I’ve been fighting depression as long as I can remember.

Right now I wish I was well off, so I could just give up and give in to the depression.

I struggle to get out of bed in the mornings even as my children are calling for me, asking for breakfast.  I want to hunker down, back into the black nothingness of sleep.

When I am awake I float from one form of escapism to another.  Facebook games, youtube videos, books, food.  I grasp like a drowning woman for anything to get me out of my own head.

Not long ago I was demoted from a full time position to a part time spot at my job.  I went from getting 40 hours a week to getting 16 hours a week.  I’ve not been able to find a second job, and as I get fewer and fewer hours every week our future is looking bleak.  We’re talking about cutting off both our phones, our internet, our cable.  Having nothing left for enjoyment.  Will soon be applying for food stamps, and when my facebook friends post lovely memes about food stamps and welfare receipients being a “burden on society” they’ll be talking about me.  About my family.

After that? Get rid of my dog? Lose our house?  Move our family of 4 into my mother in laws house?

Meanwhile I’m still where I was working, watching my “replacement” be held to a different standard than I was.  All the things I was expected to maintain are allowed to go by the wayside under her.  My 12 years of experience are nothing compared to her 2 years of being a special snowflake.

At Home Too

While my lack of work is one thing, my home life is another.  Because of my depression, every little thing my children do bothers me.  I have turned into the angry, snippy mommy.  “Stop.  Be quiet.  Stop.  Stop.  I SAID STOP!!!”  Over and over and over again while I am home.  Every time I leave the room, the madness followed me.  Squealing, screaming, poop jokes, until I feel like I’m going to lose my mind.

Then my youngest child refuses to potty train.  He’s 4 now, and siting on the toilet sends him into screaming hysterics.  Nothing I’ve tired is working and none of my other family members are helping.  He also keeps asking to drink from sippy cups and chewing on his “rag-rags” which are cloth diapers he’s always had in his mouth instead of a pacifier.

So, not only am I failing in my work life, I’m also doing a really crappy job of being a mom.

Fail.
Fail.
Fail.

Nothing, Just Nothing

I saw a quote today that said something like, “If it is raining, look for the rainbows.  If it is dark look for the stars.”

I posted on facebook, “What if it is raining in the dark.  WTF are we supposed to look for then?”

Usually I can get through a bad depression because I know sooner or later its going to end.

This time I don’t feel like there is an end in sight.

2 Comments

  1. Since you can write, have you maybe considered some online writing opportunities?

    • I have considered it, but have not found anything legitimate that I can earn from. The kind of technical articles that people want written are beyond my skill set.

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