We are one month into the new year. Many people around me have said they felt as if January would never end. I am one of those people. I’ve never been quite so happy to see February come as I am this year.
Some pretty bad things have gone on in January (which “a series of pretty bad things” seems to be the theme of my life anymore), so I’m surprised on how I’ve done with My 2018 Resolutions so far.
To reach my goal of dropping 70 pounds this year, I have to lose roughly 6 pounds a month.
Well, for January I lost somewhere between 4 and 5 pounds. Not a complete fail because I did lose, but I didn’t make goal.
For February I have challenged myself to a Sit-Up Challenge and a Push-Up Challenge. By the end of the month I should be able to do 100 sit ups and 50 push ups.
I made two key chains/purse charms in January.
I did not list them online for sale yet.
I only made 9 blog entries in January. And most of those were book reviews. Only blogging 9 out of 30 days….another fail.
I’ve written in my journal even less than I’ve posted in my blog. Last night I did get a LOT of therapeudic scribbling out of the way. Much profanity was scrawled across
A friend of mine gave me some cash recently to get something for myself, and I ordered a new journal and fountain pen.
The journal got here today:
I don’t expect to get the fountain pen for a while though.
I did go outside twice today. I played fetch with the dog for a while, and then I went for a 2 mile walk. But overall for January, this was another fail.
So, how are you all doing on your own 2018 Resolutions?
I keep trying to write a blog post, and keep not posting anything except for book reviews, because my life is falling apart around me. Let me take a moment and let you know what is going on. Let me be candid with you.
I am failing in every aspect of my life.
This morning I got up, and for breakfast I thawed out an ate a pack of meat that should have served me for 4 different meals.
I hated myself even as I did it because I knew exactly why I was doing it. I wanted to feel good. I wanted to feel enjoyment. I wanted to be….damn it….HAPPY for a little while.
Food makes me happy, at the same time it makes me hate myself even more.
I’m depressed right now. This is nothing new. I’ve been fighting depression as long as I can remember.
Right now I wish I was well off, so I could just give up and give in to the depression.
I struggle to get out of bed in the mornings even as my children are calling for me, asking for breakfast. I want to hunker down, back into the black nothingness of sleep.
When I am awake I float from one form of escapism to another. Facebook games, youtube videos, books, food. I grasp like a drowning woman for anything to get me out of my own head.
Not long ago I was demoted from a full time position to a part time spot at my job. I went from getting 40 hours a week to getting 16 hours a week. I’ve not been able to find a second job, and as I get fewer and fewer hours every week our future is looking bleak. We’re talking about cutting off both our phones, our internet, our cable. Having nothing left for enjoyment. Will soon be applying for food stamps, and when my facebook friends post lovely memes about food stamps and welfare receipients being a “burden on society” they’ll be talking about me. About my family.
After that? Get rid of my dog? Lose our house? Move our family of 4 into my mother in laws house?
Meanwhile I’m still where I was working, watching my “replacement” be held to a different standard than I was. All the things I was expected to maintain are allowed to go by the wayside under her. My 12 years of experience are nothing compared to her 2 years of being a special snowflake.
While my lack of work is one thing, my home life is another. Because of my depression, every little thing my children do bothers me. I have turned into the angry, snippy mommy. “Stop. Be quiet. Stop. Stop. I SAID STOP!!!” Over and over and over again while I am home. Every time I leave the room, the madness followed me. Squealing, screaming, poop jokes, until I feel like I’m going to lose my mind.
Then my youngest child refuses to potty train. He’s 4 now, and siting on the toilet sends him into screaming hysterics. Nothing I’ve tired is working and none of my other family members are helping. He also keeps asking to drink from sippy cups and chewing on his “rag-rags” which are cloth diapers he’s always had in his mouth instead of a pacifier.
So, not only am I failing in my work life, I’m also doing a really crappy job of being a mom.
I saw a quote today that said something like, “If it is raining, look for the rainbows. If it is dark look for the stars.”
I posted on facebook, “What if it is raining in the dark. WTF are we supposed to look for then?”
Usually I can get through a bad depression because I know sooner or later its going to end.
This time I don’t feel like there is an end in sight.
The people from the Northern realm have been laughing at us silly southerners for the past few days. But, give us a break. How often does snow fall in the south?
Sure, an entire city shut down because of a few inches of white stuff fell from the sky, but it was probably for the best. Most of us can’t even walk in the stuff, most less drive in it.
Right about now you’re probably asing yourself, “What is she yammering about?”
Well, its like this. I live in Savannah, GA. Last month I was complaining because it was too warm for Christmas. So, what happens on January 3rd?
That’s right. It snowed. And it stuck. Our streets disappeared. Our bushes and trees were covered in ice. Our children (and our husbands. Okay, and ourselves) built snowmen.
Well, some of us built snowmen. Others of us *cough*me*cough start building snowmen, then fall down on our rears in the snow and give up the process.
The children were ill-equipped to play in this winter wonderland themselves. Unused to below freezing temperatures, they could only stand a few minutes at a time before coming in with soaking wet gloves and cold hands.
Oh, but the joy of seeing their little faces light up when the prospect of snow became a reality. They may never see an event like this again until they are adults with kids of their own.
So, those of you who are jaded by yearly snowfall, those of you who have it often enough to hate the fact that it is a thing, you just keep on laughing. Because on January 3 and January 4th of 2018, our world turned white and memories were made.